What strange feelings I've been having lately--physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I've mentioned before that I'm concerned about getting physically dependent on my pain pills, as I know someone who died from an overdose of them. I was especially worried a couple nights ago, when I couldn't sleep until taking one at 4am.
The fear of becoming dependent on them (the word "addicted" scares me) creates feelings all its own. I talked to a nurse friend of mine when I couldn't sleep last night, and he said that if I absolutely had to take something, try an antihistimine. This isn't a bad suggestion, especially given all the outdoor growth from our late Spring rains, so I took some. Over 45 minutes later I was still awake, but shortly thereafter got to sleep. I woke up an hour or two later but was able to get back to sleep. This morning I felt better, like perhaps I'm not reliant on the pain pills.
Throughout today, though, my hurt knee kept feeling tighter and tighter. Also, I get this strange feeling in my back, almost like I'm carrying a backpack or something. I don't know how to describe it but "restless". Today, more than a day and a half after that 4am pill, I took a half a pill. I hope that will help. And my doctor told me definitely to take one shortly before going to physical therapy on Wednesday.
I've noticed something else. I'm getting weepy lately. I don't know what brings it on, sometimes nothing, but I'll just start crying. Thirty seconds later it'll end as abruptly as it started. In fact, if I want to I'll bet I can cause myself to start crying on command. What the heck is that? I feel like this song sounds.
I wonder if I might be staying indoors too much. Today I charged up the motorized scooter and took it for two spins around the block. It was nice being out in the sun and tossing out hellos to people, but it was also nice to get back into my air conditioning. Still, because of that odd feeling in my back, I couldn't enjoy resting or taking a nap afterward.
About my back, I should probably contact my chiropractor--whom I haven't seen since before my injury. That might help my back a lot; unfortunately, I don't think his office is open on Monday! About the crying, I don't know what causes it so I don't know how to end it. And now that I've gone a night without the pill, and I'm down from lots to only half a pill a day (unless there's physical therapy!), I can with some reasonable confidence believe that I'm probably not physically dependent on the medication--which is a tremendous relief.
These last few days have been exceedingly uncomfortable in so many arenas. I'm hopeful that these days were just a random "rough patch" and that there will soon be improvement. My son and I split a couple games of Sorry tonight, and tomorrow morning we're scheduled to walk (I'll moto-scoot) up to Grocery Outlet for a few things, and my dad and his wife are picking us up for Father's Day ice cream in the afternoon. A friend should be here for movie night in a few minutes, and I asked him to bring some root beer, as I kinda have a craving (ooh, and I have vanilla ice cream!). I recognize that I have no legitimate reason to be in an emotional funk, and every reason to think that I'm well on the road to physical recovery from an injury that, while not big in the grand scheme of things, was very traumatic for me and my way of life.
So why can't I shake this?
Update, June 19th, just a few hours later: Movie night is over, and how helpful it was to find the comments here and the emails from friends (yes, I sent this link to them). Cries for help can be pathetic, but they're usually only made when necessary. I'm not magically "cured", I can't suddenly walk or even feel happy, but I don't feel alone, trapped in this house, with my son leaving tomorrow afternoon, doomed to face four walls and the reality of my condition. Oh, all that is still true, I just know that I'm not alone.